Friends

When I started (and re-started) this blog with the intention of being honest and open. To write about a lot of the things I think about. I'm always worried about hurting someone's feelings or starting debates or whatever. So I hold back from writing what I feel. I think this will be my first post that will go a little deeper.

I really struggle with comparing my life to other people and wanting what they have. But I don't want the typical things.  I'm not envious of someone's nice car, or their pretty new house.  I don't really care about a bank account with a 6 digit balance (although that would make life so much easier!) and I can do without designer clothes. I find myself envying the relationships people have. I think Man, it must be nice to have a good group of friends. You know the kind of group I'm talking about.  The one that gets together every weekend.  The one that has a good mix of different personalities.  Where they all know each other so well that they can just hang out and laugh without feeling like an outsider or self conscious.

I used to have a group like that.  I count myself blessed that I found a group of friends to do things with in middle and high school.  I honestly don't know how I would have survived those years without my friends.  But somewhere between graduating high school and now I seem to have grown apart from pretty much every friend I had.  It seems like it happened a little bit at a time.

A few friends left for college and made new friends. That's understandable. I dated a handful of different guys, and probably paid them more attention than I needed to (neither of which are things that I am proud of, at all.). I'm sure that contributed to losing a few friends. I guess the rest were lost in the process of growing up. We all kind of 'become ourselves' in the first few years of adult-hood. A lot of times we change. Most of the time we change. Our lives don't fit together as well as they once did. We have different interests. We have different schedules. And we grow apart.

So here I am now.  Almost 25. Married. A mom. With no one I can really call a 'close friend'. And, to put it plainly, it sucks. On a beautiful Saturday when I just want to go sit at the park and people watch, I can't think of anyone to call. If Robert is going to the lease for the weekend and I want to host a girls night at my house, I've got nothin.

I've met a handful of girls in the past year or so that I have really liked. In my mind they are potential best friends. Yannow, we have a good time together and have a few things in common. And I consider myself a pretty friendly person. My problem is my self esteem. I meet these new people (usually through Robert because he is way more outgoing than I am) and I really like them.  But I then I over analyze everything. What if they don't like me? What if they think I'm coming on too strong or being clingy? What if they think I'm a total freak? What if... What if... I could drive myself crazy!! Robert tells me that I need to just put myself out there (like I'm dating or something, ha!) but I just can't do it.

I can't make myself call a girl I've only hung out with around our husbands and ask if she wants to go see a chick-flick together. Or take a shopping trip to Houston. Or go to Larry's Trade Days. I just can't do it.

What is wrong with me???

So I stay where I am. 25. Married. A mom. Alone.

Am I the only one? I sure feel like it =/

**sorry if this seemed like a pity-party post. something more uplifting next time, promise!**